dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
