I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
