fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
