i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
