I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
