Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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