Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
