i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
