my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
