why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
