Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
