Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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