im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
