Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Randomize
