I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
