Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
