The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
