I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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