My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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