my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
