Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
