I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
