So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
