We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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