Well apparently he's into motor boating.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
