on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
