used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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