We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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