I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
