I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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