Your face is a jimmy john
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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