is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
