Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
