Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
