she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
