I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
