Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
