1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
