I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
