fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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