SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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