While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
