I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
