Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
