Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
