i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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