around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
