i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
