my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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