I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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