So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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